I’ve been thinking a lot lately about holding space.
I’ve been doing some of it, too — especially for a few people I know who have been in Intensive Care Units (ICU)s of a hospital recently, in the hospital otherwise, in surgery, or in other ongoing struggles to stay alive and to stay healthy.
This human thing is quite the deal. It’s really something what we do to stay alive and functional on this planet. Of course, our best efforts don’t always work and we often need backup, reinforcements, and some pretty incredible interventions to stay alive and functional. It’s hard. It can be breathtakingly hard. Sometimes we can help… and sometimes we need the help.
Lately I’ve been in a position to offer reinforcement rather than being the one needing the backup and support as I’ve needed more than I’d like in recent years. Lately I’ve been able to be the one holding space.
Even so, it’s a lot. It takes a ton of energy and time and you do have to make sure you don’t overdo it. Yesterday in a burst of energy at home catching up from running around being supportive I caught my finger on a brand-new, super-sharp knife and remembered that rushing doesn’t always lead to faster. We opted out of an emergency room trip but my kitchen could have passed for a crime scene for a while there. Even with that, I’m still able to hold space today for a couple of people who need it. I’m grateful.
Life coach Heather Plett popularized the concept of holding space in a viral post in 2015, and since then it’s totally become a part of how I think. This article says there are three main components of holding space — 1) being “fully present without distractions,” 2) creating a “safe, accepting environment,” and 3) “listening effectively.” I think it requires a few more things, too. Plus: holding space is hard.
It’s hard because our society makes it hard. It’s hard because it takes attention, time, and intention on our part. It’s hard because it takes some of our deepest energy, faith, and humanity.
We hold space for people because of love. Because of connection. Because of community. Because of family. Because we see a need. Because we like to help. Because of a whole range of things.
I write all of this because I think we’re going to need to do a whole lot more of it — holding space.
I think we’re coming in to a time of increasing acceleration, disruption, evolution, and change. I think it’s going to be very dicey.
I think we’re going to need to put some specific intention, attention, and energy into holding space. Into being present. Into connecting. Into loving.
As things intensify, our reactions collectively overall will help drive our future and the direction we go — as a society, as humanity, and as civilization.
If panic, fear, or hate become the dominating energies — those things will heavily influence our direction and our future.
Yet if we can find and make the space for taking care of each other, for connection, for holding space, and for love — those things might become the more dominant force for where this society goes.
As the chaos, uncertainty, disruption, and absurdity increase… what direction will you go? Do you know? Are you getting ready? Do you practice? Do you talk about it with your people?
Do you need different people? Do you know how you might find them?
We’re not going to come into this intensifying time overnight. We have some time. But it’s fast unfolding before our eyes. Just look at the climate wildness alone if you doubt that unpredictable change is spreading out everywhere in our world. It’s here. It’s not going away, and it’s not slowing down.
We’re going to need to take care of each other as things get tougher. We’re going to need a default of care, of kindness, and of humanity. Will we do that? I don’t know. I see an awful lot of fear.
I had gotten to just this point in this post when I turned off the laptop, left a hospital, and headed out to catch a local talk with famous pastor person John Pavlovitz about countering Christian nationalism. He too talked about fear, and about empathy. A lot. Like both were kind of a huge big part of his talk. Empathy is so powerful. It’s in the same vein as holding space. Here’s a great famous Brene Brown bit on the subject… explaining why empathy is so powerful.
Really, it all comes down to choice. How are we going to choose to interact with people who might need us? Will we? Will they have wanted us to get involved?
We make the choice to hold space for someone, or for some people. We make the choice to empathize. It’s going to be tough. It might be painful. It will take energy and patience and all kinds of things. But we get to choose. We don’t have to — and sometimes we can’t. Sometimes we don’t have the wherewithal, or the resilience, or the time, or whatever. But what if we do? What will we choose?
I think it’s going to be a question that becomes more and more relevant as things intensify. We can start creating the space for it now — creating the space for holding space. We don’t know exactly what’s coming but we do know it’s going to be a challenge for at least some of us. We can start getting ready. Emotional preparedness is a thing. Willing participation is a thing.
Anyway. Be safe. Try not to get dead. Look after yourself, and look after your people. We’ve got so much in front of us, and we’ll get to drive a heck of a lot of it. Especially if we go in with a bit of preparedness about what we might be willing to do.
Holding space and being fully present is indeed hard. Realizing that this moment will never be here again. That there’s no past or future, just right now, can be liberating or terrifying, depending on how we choose to see it. I’ve learned a lot about being mindful from the Headspace app, which has helped me learn to meditate over the past two years. Noticing our minds and letting go of thoughts continuously, and realizing we are not our thoughts, is also freeing. Empathy is hard because it makes us vulnerable and steps us back from judgment/separation from others. Since my bipolar 2 diagnosis two years ago and finally treatment for it after decades of therapy has also been life changing. Learning to slow down and do one thing at a time. I still and not so good at it. I love John Pavlovitz. Thanks for this gentle, insightful piece, Vanessa.
I agree wholeheartedly, Vanessa <3
I do a lot of holding space. It's fairly easy for me because, for some reason, it's built in to who I am this lifetime and I'm VERY grateful. I do my best to acknowledge whatever the awful is happening with someone and hold a space of calm and non-judgement. I absolutely pick who I hold space for/with. I have my moments of incredulity, despair, and anger, but those are private.