Craving Connection
I have been saving the super cheesy photo here for just the right post. Today’s the day!
It’s cheesy, I think, because for real: who in this world sits around at a perfectly lit and whimsically decorated long, low table in the grass in consistent gaiety with a lute (of all things!) nearby? Who exactly is in a position to live this kind of life?
If I’m honest, in my early years in the DC area when I was in my thirties I may have gone to some events where this kind of thing could happen… but it would have taken a seriously-on-the-ball host and someone in possession of a yard, with trees. Even then — who has a lute sitting around? And appropriately hip-yet-stylish linens and blankets? And without chiggers or mosquitoes; judging by the gaiety of the crowd? And no party I’ve been to is this consistently smiley; so there’s that. Or is ever this fashionable… and without cups and bottles everywhere. Seriously.
I digress. Mostly I just think the picture is funny.
But it’s funny because it’s a real-world photo of what’s in some of our collective consciousness as some kind of ideal. A group of friends we can laugh with. People we look fondly upon. A beautiful yard or other woods-adjacent space. With available electricity. And drinks. And an eclectic option for music.
I do, indeed, love get-togethers with groups of friends. It’s just that they’re usually way, way messier. And I don’t just mean because of all the cups and glasses and food all over the place. Because humans are messy.
I actually used to go to gatherings of this size in the DC area — but they were never this comfortable or blissful. Anytime you get this size of a group together, there are a zillion conversations. Inevitably, there is some kind of drama. Or there can be; unless your crowd is very carefully curated. But who can really do that in real life? And do we want to? Because humans are messy. Don’t we just want to be who we are? And include people, rather than curate them?
During the worst of the pandemic, one of my friends starting having fires outside for a group. That way, we could gather in a socially-distanced way and still feel relatively safe… yet get to hang out with humans outside of our carefully protected residences.
I can tell you our gatherings never looked like this bit of voguish utopia. Ours were more grocery bags with bags of chips, coolers with drinks, giant bottles of hand sanitizer, piles of napkins, paper plates, boxed pizza, someone’s homemade dessert, and maybe a portable grill. Oh — and rolls of toilet paper. Because: pandemic. And we were, literally, next to the woods. #IowaLife. Ha! We’ve since evolved, gotten covid-vaccinated, and now use the inside plumbing for these gatherings. Life is good.
Still, the pandemic fires were priceless. Because we need people. And — we’ve continued the fires from time to time. It’s one of those interesting but unexpected things to come out of a long emergency. It’s actually kind of a cool thing to do. We’ve evolved it, too. We’ve done movie nights with an outside projector screen, added in costumes with a movie at Hallowe’en, and done some indoor winter barbecues.
Still: the bigger the group, the more you get some of the awkward and messy — uncomfortable politics, loud people, someone who drinks too much, someone who’s on their phone the whole time, someone helping a relative in a crisis, perhaps a run to the emergency room unrelated to the gathering, and so on. Overall: always priceless. Life, happening. Very, very much human.
Because we crave connection.
And also because we’re at our best when we meet people where they are.
We’re at our best when we meet people where they are.
I write all of this because I find myself increasingly craving connection, and I know I’m not alone.
I’m obsessively trying to ramp up this nonprofit, though, so I miss a lot of the socializing that lots of folks do. It’s ironic, considering that connection and community are two of the key, basic principles of our work here. Which — this weekend I do have plans to put some time into maybe one of these fires we do; or something similar. I’m always glad I did when it happens, and there’s always some connection that seems exactly perfect for right at that moment.
I miss people. I miss seeing people in the real world. I’ve never gone back to my pre-pandemic levels of social activity — partly because my friendships changed, mostly because I’ve been living a nonprofit lifestyle living insanely frugally to get this thing going, and partly because it takes a ridiculous amount of time to bring something from Imagination into Forming. To bring something new into reality. It takes forever and a ton of time to actually make shift happen. And that’s just to start this shift up! Now we’re to the part where this new nonprofit actually becoming an operational thing.
I could not be more excited.
Only it’s still kind of a solitary existence. I know that won’t be the case forever, but it’s very, very quiet over here as I work countless hours to get this thing going. I don’t say that out loud very often, but sometimes it gets to me. And then when I have cool stuff happen like what’s been going on this week… I want to share it with people… and that’s tricky, because I still don’t have all the connection that I’d like to have in my life. It still feels like I’m missing some pieces. So I’m working on it.
I think that whatever we build here with this work will fill in a few of those pieces as we get a volunteer corps going, but we’re just at the beginning and not quite there yet. I’ve talked to a lots of people to ramp this up, but I’m not not quite to the casual phone call level yet with most. I’m looking forward to when we get there, because we really need a bigger and fairly involved volunteer team to get this thing going. It’s going to need a lot of love and a lot of time and lot of big ideas. So far it’s still mostly me pushing it along. Once we get a bit more traction, it will be more of a catalyzing and coralling process I expect. It’s good to think big.
That being said, you can sign up to volunteer here, or join a volunteer orientation on May 5 or on May 16. And holler if you just want to connect otherwise about all this — on the phone in particular. I work better with a team, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. And we get more synergy and awesomeness when we work together on stuff.
This is a lot of yammering to say that we need more connection. And community. Me too. You might also. If that’s the case, seriously… jump in on some of activity here.
We’re creating the space for connection and community.
We. Need. It.
We have to invest in connection.
We have to invest in community.
We have to invest in relationships.
We can also just be.
We can also not overthink it. We can just show up.
Earlier this week, I visited a recently disabled friend who has one hell of a tough life these days. I just went. I should go more. I don’t know why I don’t, except for all the BS I put above. Which matters, but sometimes just seeing people in the real world matters, too. Seeing my friend is a deep reminder of that every damn time.
I didn’t need to do anything special. I just needed to show up. I just needed to listen, and to share, and to pick up the kinds of cues that you can only pick up in person; connecting with humans. I needed to just be there.
We all struggle with this — the balance between showing up, and also showing up for all the other things we’re trying to do in life. There’s no answer. There’s no guide book.
I think we forget to create the space for connection. To create the space for community. To invest the time. To have the intention.
We forget to create the space for connection. To create the space for community. To invest the time. To have the intention.
Shift the Country did a coalition-building Zoom call yesterday. One of the things that came up on the call is that people doing political work forget the basics sometimes — like connection, like community, and like coalition-building. That that’s why we need work like this — to help us all remember.
Yet as I’ve assembled this work, I’ve often second-guessed whether it needed to be so basic… focusing on connection and community as two of the deepest fundamentals.
The thing is that we do need the basics.
We do because we’re in a society that’s been breaking down for a while. You don’t get an authoritarian movement in a thriving, functional, flourishing society. Our society remains functional, but we haven’t been thriving and flourishing for a while. And it’s going to keep intensifying. We’re still actively fragmenting as a society — and fragmenting is a very long way from flourishing.
How do we break the cycle? How do de-escalate all the intensifying?
Honestly I think part of the key will be in anchoring to the basics: community and connection.
By taking the time to do those things. To build community. To look after each other. To see our humanity. To embrace it. To celebrate it. To protect it. To look after it.
Connection and community get to the heart of who we are as a society. They get to our essential-ness as humans. It’s primal. It’s fundamental. It’s raw. It’s hard. It makes us vulnerable.
But what’s the alternative? Hate? Fear? Kicking trans people out of your state legislature, or outlawing trans transitions in your state because you don’t understand the complexities of human biology? Expelling Black legislators from your state legislature also because of made-up decorum that in Tennessee (and in so many places) protects white fragility and the entire paradigm of white supremacy?
The lists go on.
Honestly, so does the loneliness. Part of why we have a broken society is because we’ve lost a zillion ways to build connection and to grow community. Lots of reasons for that. Today’s post is not that analysis.
Today’s post is to say that part of how we heal that and chart a different path is to talk about that need for connection, and to get serious about working on it. To put it front and center. To celebrate and honor it. To create the space for it.
Today’s post is to say that part of how we heal that and chart a different path is to talk about that need for connection, and to get serious about working on it.
Which is exactly why connection is Thing 1 in our work, and why doing more with community and coalitions is Thing 2.
It centers our humanity, and our need for connection. For community. For doing things together with people. For getting grounded. For getting less lonely. For building strength. For building resilience. For solidarity. For building power. Yeah that’s right: because this is influence and inspiration work; designed to help us strengthen this democracy.
We strengthen the democracy when we actively work on connection, community, and coalition-building.
This is why we’ve built community and connection into our event series, and into our core 5 Things. We’ve got plain, old-fashioned-yet-online socials, we’ve got sessions for solidarity and strength, and we’ve got connection and community built into all of the other sessions too. Community and connection are keys to everything we do.
Keep the faith. Sign up for something. And please spread this post and spread the word. Thank you.
Here are our Zoom calls for the next week — join any event:
MAYDAY: Where Do We Go From Here? (May 1, Afternoon Session).
MAYDAY: Where Do We Go From Here? (May 1, Evening Session).
Strengthening and Support Session, May 2. ← Hey this is specifically focused on all the stuff we just talked about!
Coalition-Building, May 3. ← Totally also about connection & community; specifically doing more with coalitions & taking everything to new levels.
Strengthening and Support Session, May 5. ← Again, this is exactly the kind of community & connection we’re talking about here.